Thursday, September 2, 2004

Sympathy for the Foxists

Wednesday night at the Republican convention was not exactly a barrel of giggles.  I've been known to go into embarassing fits of hysterical laughter listening to Michael Savage or Pat Robertson.  Not because I think they're witty, but because I'm amazed at what I'm hearing them say.

But Wednesday was so grim I didn't even get a chuckle of amazement out of it.

Tim Goodman of the San Francisco Chronicle did manage to come up with a humorous piece on it, though:  Fox News coverage fair and balanced - really San Francisco Chronicle 09/02/04.  Thanks to Fox News, the phrase "fair and balanced" has suffered the fate of "politically correct."  For the last 15 years or more, you figure that when someone describes something as "politically correct," the speaker really means that he considers it politically incorrect from his point of view.

And now when someone uses the description "fair and balanced," you have to first assume they mean "crassly partisan."

Goodman is spoofing the fact that, despite Wednesday's rants by Zell Miller and Dick Cheney having been something like the Foxists' definition of Paradise, Fox News reporters managed to avoid chanting "USA, USA" and "Four more years" along with the party faithful.

Goodman gives a memorable characterization of the Vice President, as well:

But that doesn't mean Cheney didn't offer up a different kind of gift -- one of subtlety and ... oh, forget it. He was as boring as a poker game in a managed care facility. Sure, even Fox News pundits less-than-transparently but oh-so-diplomatically said the vice president did his job, but they quickly rushed in to wake up their viewing audience.

And yet, here's the real beauty of watching Cheney in this kind of setting: He's a man who can pretty much scare the bejesus out of anyone. No matter your political affiliation, there's got to be bipartisan agreement that Cheney isn't going to waste a lot of his life on nonsense like laughing or hugging. He's the Ice Man. It's clear he'd rather, say, play puppet master than toastmaster. He's a behind-the-scenes guy -- which made his 33 minutes on national television all the more, um, eerie.

And yet, it was oddly riveting, too. Because Cheney has exactly three emotions ..., and they are "disappointing smirk," "Cheshire-cat grin" and "dour glumness, not to be confused with angry, stoney silence."

Who knew that was telegenic? You can have your Arnold Schwarzenegger pandering, your Rudy Giuliani hectoring and your Zell Miller robotic ("Zellbot"?) ranting (patent pending, Southern accent included), but those looking for something a little more in the vein of "spooky" will opt for Cheney every time. Those might have been the least passionate, least motivating 33 minutes in prime-time, but when they make the next Jason Bourne movie and Matt Damon is busy, your stand-in is ready.

Yeah, I kind of thought Cheney was scary, too.  Did I mention that before?

2 comments:

Anonymous said...

"Because Cheney has exactly three emotions ..., and they are "disappointing smirk," "Cheshire-cat grin" and "dour glumness, not to be confused with angry, stoney silence." " ....made me laugh.  He is scary. I'm totally with ya.


Anonymous said...

I hadn't paid much attention to Tim Goodman's columns before.  But that one was really good.  Tongue-in-cheek is a difficult tone to use in an article like that without slipping into run-of-the-mill snarky, but he managed to pull it off. - Bruce