Chuckie Watch 100: Chuckie flies over the war

Well, here we are at Chuckie Watch #100, y'all.  And we're still pluming the depths of ChuckieThought.  And it's appropriate for #100 that we're joinin' Chuckie on a tourist visit to his favorite war.

Cause Chuckie's done finished writin' about his trip overseas to meet the troops and perform for them so he can come back and speak for them.

He's written about Day 5 (04/26/05), Days 7 and 8 (05/02/05) and finished with a Synopsis (05/06/05).  He skipped right over Day 6 for some reason.  I reckon he spent that day talkin' with the troops about their problems with armor and equipment and stuff so he could tell the folks back home about it.

Chuckie makes a sociological analysis

Chuckie gives some more details on his flights.  When they first flew into the Baghdad Airport, they gave him a flak jacket and helmet to wear in the helicopter and a "lady pilot" flew them in.  Chuckie did a concert at Camp Victory on Day 5.  But beforehand he had some more good chow.  Apparently the troops want us to know they git good chow.

Chuckie says:

The area where we stayed and did our concert that night was known as Camp Victory. It’s a large, secure area that is locked down tighter than a tick. Nobody gets in or out without the permission of the U.S. Military. It would be our home away from home while we were in the country. ...

[At the concert] Almost everybody in the audience was carrying guns. I told the crowd one night that the guns would probably give Rosie O’Donnell a heart attack but that I loved it.

Then they flew into Baghdad itself.  Chuckie wasn't too impressed:

This was our first glimpse of the city of Baghdad and as viewed from the air it looks, for the most part, like a big trash pile, with odds and ends of rubbish blowing down the street, the houses are close together, there are pools of stagnant water standing almost up to the doors of some of them. It’s a pitiful sight, except for the fact that most of the houses had satellite dishes.

For some reason, this reminds me of one the favorite white folks sayings I heard growing up.  The colored folks, they said, lived on dirt roads and had run-down houses but they had brand-new cars in front of their houses.  I'm not quite sure what that was all supposed to mean.  The streets weren't paved because, well, the all-white town council wouldn't pave them until they finally got a mayor who insisted it be done.

I thought for a second there that ole Chuckie was telling us that two years after the glorious liberation of Baghdad, that things weren't looking so good for basic infrastructure.  I'm guessin' that if Chuckie had got hisself any closer than flying over in a helicopter, he might have discovered that the "stagnant water" was sewage backing up from the malfunctioning sewer systems.

But, heck far, if them A-rabs can afford satellite dishes, that must mean that they're just dirty, huh?  Otherwise they'd, I don't know, go out and pick up trash instead of buying a satellite dish?  Chuckie liked them there Kurds better.  He says "they practice a degree of hygiene and cleanliness practically unknown in that part of the world."  Chuckie being pretty expert on dirty A-rabs, having flown over them in helicopters and all.

Ole Chuckie got a big thrill flying back to Baghdad.  Just like we heard about on Hannity & Colmes, Chuckie got hisself shot at!

We were about five minutes from our landing over Baghdad when I heard a little ping under the amour plating on the floor of the helicopter. I thought it was just a creak in the equipment but all of a sudden the crew shot off flairs and I saw three spotlights shining up from the ground. It wasn’t clear what had happened until it was over, but somebody down there on the ground was shooting at us.

Gosh, war's more fun than a theme park, huh, Chuckie?  Chuckie says that had "a lively discussion about the evening’s events when we got on the ground."

Chuckie has some harsh words for the enemy.  I'm sure the Iraqi guerrillas must be pretty worried that they've got Chuckie ticked off at them:

I say bad guys, first of all because that’s what the troops call them and secondly that’s what they are. These people are the dregs of the Middle East. The terrorist who killed the Tennessee National Guardsman was Palestinian, and it really brings the fact home to you that even though we are fighting the war on terror in Iraq, we’re fighting terrorist trash from all over the Muslim world. The war in Afghanistan, the war in Iraq and anywhere else where terrorists are involved is one and the same war.

America needs to realize what’s going on here, and to you who wish to take the path of pacifism, I say get your head out of the sand. If we would walk away from every war and pull back every troop, these people would still come after America.

They’ll blow up our cities, poison our drinking water, slaughter our children and destroy our way of life.

These are not rational people we are dealing with, they’re animals, they’re terrorists, and the only good one is a dead one.

And besides, you know, they spend their money on satellite dishes while there's rubbish and "stagnant water" in the streets.  Except, Chuckie, Iraq wasn't cranking out terrorists until the US invaded and started the war that you cheered for with total enthusiasm.  And something just tells me that, well, most Iraqis are probably a lot more interested in getting reliable electricity and functioning sewage systems and adequate police protection than they are about poisoning drinking water in the United States or otherwise interfering with "our way of life."

Chuckie says, "You don’t experience what I experienced in Iraq and leave the same man that you came as."  That's funny, Chuckie, because, you know, you sound exactly the same as before you went.

Chuckie speaks for the troops some more

Odd, though, Chuckie didn't talk about no shortages of equipment or armor or nothin' like that.  I guess nobody complained to him about the extended tours of duty or nothin'.  Why, visiting the war (kinda-sorta) was such a thrill for Chuckie, I guess he figgers the soldiers must be havin' the time of their lives there!

In his "Synopsis," Chuckie sums up as only he can do.  Chuckie seems to thank the main problem in the Iraq War is that the Liberal Press! Liberal Press! Liberal Press! don't tell enough of the good news from Iraq.  Most of Chuckie's complaints are standard Foxisms, like schools, schools, lots of schools built, why don't the media talk about that, huh?  How come they have to only focus on how lots of parents are afraid to let their kids go to school for fear they'll be kidnapped for ransom?  I mean, hey, it's like ole Jerry Falwell says, the war goes pretty good if you watch it on FOX.

But Chuckie does have one piece of good news that the Liberal Press! Liberal Press! Liberal Press! don't report that I haven't heard mentioned before:

Did ABC ever show a picture of the country north of Baghdad where there is plenty of water and arable land, where the terrain is green and the flocks of sheep and cattle feed on plentiful grass? Are they afraid you’ll find out that there is more than oil in Iraq, a place that could possibly be the breadbasket of southwest Asia, given a little peace and education?

Dadgummit, that nasty media!  Them there Iraqis never had no sheep and grass and cows before the Amurcans brought them!  I guess they musta just been running around in the desert on camels and stuff.  Come on, you bad, bad media.  We want to hear every night about the sheep and the grass in Iraq, not all these car bombs and attacks and stuff.  Heck, those happen all the time all over the country, so that ain't news.  But people learnin' about grass and sheep for the first time, now that's somethin' to talk about!

But, Chuckie, you know, you didn't necessarily tell such good news about yore trip there, either.  I mean, you had to fly into the Baghdad airport with a helicopter and even then you got shot at, you said.  That don't sound like such a safe capital city to me.  I hear tell folks cain't even drive safely the few miles from the airport to the city.

And you know how you was walking around with your camera in Kuwait?  You couldn't walk around takin' pichers and things in Baghdad, now could'ja?  Oh sure, it's nice that you saw them Iraqi people wavin' at your helicopter.  But if you couldn't get any closer to the grateful people we're liberatin' than flyin' over in a helicopter, that don't sound like such good news to me, Chuckie.  I hope your not goin' down the same road as the Liberal Press! Liberal Press! Liberal Press!  Gee, who would speak for the soldiers then?

We do hear a few complaints from the troops, though.  Like this one from Spc. Justin Wood in Kuwait:

I, for one, am another who does not agree with this war and have found myself, like many others, very confused on why we’re here sometimes. But if I speak my mind, we have men here who start throwing temper tantrums.I do believe that one of the best parts of being American is the right to freedom of speech, but heaven forbid I have that anymore over here.

And this one from Pfc. Bradley Robb at Camp Striker, Iraq:

Yes, I did give the oath, I did swear to uphold the Constitution against foreign and domestic enemies. I swore to preserve freedom, but what they left out was to preserve freedom of other countries. Iraq had nothing to do with Sept. 11. I understand fighting for freedom when it’s necessary, and Afghanistan was necessary, but not Iraq.

How many troops are left in the United States? If there were an attack on U.S. soil right now, God forbid, they’d get all the way to Iowa before we could attempt to stop them. By the time we could get all our troops back home, the entire country would be lost. ...

I also made a promise to my country, and I stand by that promise. Don’t bash others because they think this mission is complete crap, because it is. It’s stupid and we’re risking other soldiers’ lives. For what? Iraqi liberation? Weapons of mass destruction? Neither one of those has been even close to being found.

Bring soldiers home to protect what we’ve come to love so dearly — the United States, to protect those freedoms we take for granted, to protect our people, our children, wives, sons, daughters and husbands.

Oh, wait, excuse me.  Those were from letters to the editor published in the military's own paper, Stars and Stripes, from 05/12/05 and 04/14/05, respectively. 

Gee, I wonder how come Chuckie didn't hear from any of those soldiers?